It is 1am. I am up as usual because my brain will not let my mind rest.
I have to sign a lease Monday for Brysons home. I absolutely do not want to. But I know I must. It really is what is best for him and for us.
I have been told by family, friends, so many people over the years that I must put him in a home because no one could handle what I do on a daily basis. Not that I am really handling it myself. I am a shell of what I used to be.
But I had him so it is my journey. I never actually agreed to give the reigns to someone else. I feel like I want to take him and run away. So that he will not affect others negatively.
Thats what my heart wants.
But, my brain knows that I cant consistently get him to keep himself clean. Keep his area clean. Be a productive member of our family. Every request is met with a fight. Complete with swearing. So I stopped requesting. I stopped caring if he is brushing his teeth or wearing the same things every day because I am absolutely exhausted. I feel like that is an excuse. I wish I was stronger. I feel I should turn myself in to child services because by definition it is neglect. But, he is safe, the family is safe and that is my priority right now. Keeping all of them safe and sane. Keeping him from driving his poor dad crazy. He works so hard all day only to come home to non stop noise. No dinner and a wife curled up on the couch in a little ball.
Nobody died today. Thats my motto.
Life should not be like this.
When I let him go to this waiver home. He will have his own caregiver 24 hrs a day. They will come in shifts. Up till now it has been just me. Evan cant handle him.
I'm so tired. But then all the awful questions come to mind. The biggest one today is, I know about a week into him moving he will call and say he wants to come home. He may even cry try to say he is scared. I will have to tell him he cant come home. He can come here to visit but cant stay.
That thought terrifies me. I feel like I am being forced into this decision even tho my brain knows he absolutely needs to learn all the things in life I can not teach him.
But will they teach him or just occupy his time?
But once I sign that one year lease I am stuck. I am saying for a year he will not live with me. Even if it all goes horribly wrong he cant come home.
Tonight I sat him down and told him I am going to sign a paper that says he will live there a year. He can come home to visit but there will reach a time where he will want to go home to stay and I will have to say no. I asked him if thats ok. He said yes he wants to move. He doesnt want to deal with Owen anymore. I told him Owen will be the first one he will miss..
I then told him all the things that will happen when he moves. They will teach him how to keep his area clean, keep his body clean. He asked how. I said he will have a schedule like at school. If he does his schedule he will go somewhere or cook something or do a craft but something fun.
I know my problems are all what if questions. I cant control what will happen. its terrifying.
